THAI SNACKS (Tasty & True)

Tom S. Thomas

Posted February 2009
Updated January 2011

(..in progress)

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1. -----

Homosnackalotus: I eat, therefore I am. (Thai person)

2. -----

A healthy (four a.m. erectile) middle-aged white male will fall in love in Thailand every 15 minutes. Give or take.

3. -----

Mr. Downy Soft. Tall, white hair, pasty, puffy, pink face. Striped, anemic pastel shirt. Bleached blue jeans. Slightly disheveled. As farangs go, a better preserved specimen, has no gut (yet). His female Thai consort 25 years his junior, all bone structure, leg, jet black natural hair. By Thai standards average, but what a prize..

4. -----

[Optics]

A Thai man and his farang friend happen upon a police station. The Thai in search of an officer friend regarding a private business matter between them. They convene in the station's courtyard. Several thousand baht bills are handed to the uniformed policeman by the light of the noon sun.

The farang, unassuming at first, hears a penny drop.

The clink rang in his ears a long time.

5. -----

Doi Suthep

Monks sprinkle holy water on prostrated worshippers shrouded in clouds of incence. Candles alight, a myriad flickering reflections on gilded Buddha statues. The murmer of prayer, the drone of chant in front of imposing altars. Deep sounds of gong and bell.

A gilded statue of the Pope would hardly intrude.

6. -----

[Caveat] (overheard..)

- She's a gold digger.
- She's not a gold digger, but understands you're rich: you travel.
- The family will demand a ransom dowry.
- The family will murder you for the life insurance.
- The family will murder you in any case.
- Your mother-in law will be a bitch, trouble evermore.
- No matter how much English she learns, she'll never be at your level.
- She won't like England.
- Are you fixed yet?
- Girls are good at pretending.
- You'll be bored, 2 years, max.

7. -----

The Thai widow exudes manners and grace. Lost her German husband of 22 years to heart disease. Has two sons abroad, both married to farang.* One in England, the other in Canada. Loves her grand kids to bits, but it's so cold over there.

8. -----

Pai

She's the hold-out; an island -- the authentic Thai food stall in a small sea of farang catering facsimiles.  A clinically accredited masseuse for some 26 years, she alternates between massages across the alley and cooking. The yellow curry is transcendent. You return each day. When she's out of chicken, insists on walking to the market to buy you some. She'll never make it into the Lonely Planet. We trust. 

9. -----

Cardiac arrest. These immaculate Thai girls on their 125 cc scooters, short skirts,  knees pressed slightly to the side, thighs generous like the sky.

10. -----

She drew the circular curtain. The first touch on his leg gave rapid rise to negotiations. Her hand dedicated, but lousy at massage.

11. -----

Buddha business. Amulets are a national mania akin to stamp collecting, but far more sublime. Temples issue editions of religious iconography on clay, silver and gold tablets, a practise going back a thousand years. Millions are in circulation, mostly in clay. The wearer of an amulet (usually a man) is assured luck and protection from evil.

At markets and road side tables, collectors can be seen peering endlessly into loupes... the older the specimen, the scarcer the edition, the higher the price. Some fetch up to a million baht.*

12. -----

Don't burn your bridges before they're built. Make sure there's an alternative before bargaining too hard for that over-priced room. Don't make a fuss at the only farang catering wok in town, no matter how mediocre.

13.-----

[Bargaining Tool]

Thai saying:

A pile of shit in the right hand is better than a fart in the left.

14. -----

Assume nothing, absolutely nothing from the terminal Thai smile.

15. -----

Free enterprise in Thailand means banks of barbeque chicken stands in front of MacDonalds.

16. -----

Where Thailand lacks in law and order it makes up with common sense and civility.

17. -----

Thailand is a land of alluring wats* and women. After a few visits one becomes inured to the former. The trick is to achieve the same for the latter.

18. -----

In Thailand you'll have two unsolicited bar girls romp on your bed, and when you step outside the room receive matrimonial proposition from a 25 year old virgin. Or so it all seems.

19. -----

What's time when you live four lives in a single day?

20. -----

One day you feel invisible, the next you're a celebrity. The ordinary seems exotic.

21. -----

Misfortune seldom brings on tears directly. It's random acts of kindness or beauty in its aftermath that can trigger a flood.

22. -----

The farang/Thai romantic interface comprises mutual desire for the exotic based in part on respective perceived cultural deficiencies. Status for the Thai, availability for the farang. It's a potent, volatile mix.

23. -----

At the end of a Thai rainbow or in a cattle class train car where the fans don't work, there's an ice cold coke, barbequed chicken and a smile.

24. -----

Thailand is civilized in ways few foreigners will ever appreciate. You're wined, dined, danced. A little powder is tapped into your glass. The last thing you remember is being lullabyed between the bossoms of two women in the back seat of a car.

You're fleeced.

When you wake in a cab the pre-paid driver escorts you to your hotel lobby. You look at your wristwatch. It's a blur; a Dali. You tap the watch with your right hand repeatedly. Your mind swims like lazy sperm. For an eternity you wonder was it kindness or oversight..?

25. -----

[ThaiLoveLinks]

The Thai bitch from Hell. Certified. Black porcelain heart. Ass sweeter
than melon. Mind like a steel trap. The car, shopping mall,
land, house and dowry earmarked FYI. When it's over,
you're thrown to the dogs.

26. -----

[Butterfly]

It wasn't just her Thai husband's philandering. If only he'd provide for their kids she might have allowed a mistress or two.

When she finally broke, she broke his skull with her stilletto heels.

She has an indefatigable titanium smile. And her pick of farang.


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Notes:

* farang is Thai for foreigner. It has faint resonance to 'gringo' in Latin America.
* approximately 34 baht to the US dollar
* a wat is a temple